The Emails of Two Crazies
by Arda Silverlace
Summary: James tries to impress Lily Sirius and Remus must cheer up our dejected James, while Lily has some lovely girltalk with Andromeda. This oneshot fic is a collaboration of what my beloved sis and I do while ferverently avoiding homework. Enjoy!
1. Conversations

**The Emails of Two Crazies**

A/N: Greetings, all. What you see before you is the result of what my sister, Alda Rethe, and I, Arda Silverlace, do when we are fervently avoiding our homework load.

Enjoy. It's pretty much a one-shot.

But a very funny one at that, we hope.

* * *

A teenager with jet-black messy hair peeked out from his hiding place in a broom closet. Glancing across the hallway, and seeing it empty he slipped out and quietly made his way down the hall.

"Three...two...and..." BAM!

He gave a triumphant shout and broke into a run out to Hogwarts grounds.

"No way that could've missed them this time," he muttered, for that was the closest room to the Slytherin Common Room and James Potter had engaged in some revenge.

* * *

The SCR was a dimly lit lounging area, with an in-laid stone fireplace and green & silver hard chairs spread about. It was late on this drowsy Saturday afternoon and Lucius Malfoy emerged from his, um, room thing.

"Eh, Crabbe give me one of your - HOLY HELL!"

A loud explosion went off right at the entrance of the SCR, causing all the Slytherins to scream like little muggle girls. Lucius started towards the portrait to see what was the meaning of all this, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. Outside the Slytherin portrait of a snake swallowing a bunny whole, little red and gold feathers and glitter drifted slowly to the ground.

A single feather landed on Lucius' beak of a nose, and on it was inscribed in minute tiny print: 'Gryffindor's rule; Slytherins drool!'

* * *

James grinned with satisfaction as he heard the hollers of the Slytherins. He slowed to a brisk walk, making a u-turn to investigate the chaos he had caused. He spotted a few bright feathers dancing slowly to the ground and whistled appreciatively. Boy, with Moony's help on this one it was much bett--"Murdering Merlin!" James yelped colliding abruptly into something hard.

"Oh, good day, Mr. Potter. How are you on this winter day?"

James straightened, rubbed his head and gave the Hogwarts Headmaster his most innocent I'm-just-a-lowly-6th-Year-pay-no-attention-to-me look, which he reserved for all adults.

"Oh, I'm grand, Headmaster Dumbledore. But that was a hard hit on the noggin, huh? What's up?"

Someone who didn't know Albus Dumbledore wouldn't have noticed the slight twinkle in his eyes that indicated his amusement. But Potter did know Dumbledore pretty well, considering his parents knew him, which was one reason he could flirt so close with danger and detention without crossing the thin line. Dumbledore began to walk in the direction of the Slytherin Common Room. Maroon and gold feathers could still be seen floating down the hallway.

"Actually, James there seems to be a bit of trouble with a few Slytherins at the moment. A prefect alerted me to the commotion. I hope this has no involvement with a Gryffindor like yourself, Mr. Potter."

James shook his head back and forth, slowly inching backwards. "Oh, no, Headmaster. We Gryffindors are way smarter than that. Yup. Well...I best be going. I'll see you later, then. Bye."

Dumbledore disappeared from James' view, allowing him to finally relax. It wasn't often he was caught in the act but there was always a chance. The Gryffindor chaser took in a deep breath and continued down the hallway, searching for more entertainment.

* * *

A Gryffindor red-haired girl was sitting tranquilly in a squishy red chair next to the smoldering fire of the GCR, a book propped open in her lap. A resounding BOOM traveled through the entire east wing of the castle, starling Lily from her peaceful studying. She jumped in her chair and instinctively scrambled to her feet, her book dropped forgotten onto the floor.

A few small screams could be heard up in the girl's dormitories and soon a bunch of Gryffindors, both girls and boys came clamoring down their two sets of spiral staircases.

"What was that?" Molly Perkins asked nobody in particular.

A few girls echoed her.

Whispering ensued. Lily, prefect that she was, hastened to restore calm.

"I'm sure it was nothing to worry about, Molly. Probably some ill-begotten joke of Potter and his friends."

"Hey," came an indignant squeak of a voice near Lily's elbow. "I'm right here you know!" Peter protested.

"Oh." But she didn't bother to apologize.

"Maybe it was a spell gone awry." Arthur Weasley ventured. "You know those Defense Against the Dark Arts spells have a tendency to backfire. Just yesterday I had to go to the Hospital Wing - my Repelling spell ended up attracting a swarm of hornets. Lucky I'm not allergic," he added sheepishly. Molly cast him a fond smile.

"Well, whatever it is, I'll go check." Lily said, starting towards the portrait hole. "You lot best get back to what you were doing."

* * *

Remus Lupin exited the Great Hall.

The brown-haired boy knew that James had probably set off the explosive and havoc had been wrecked seconds afterward. He wasn't too fond of the loud tricks that his friend insisted on completing; he enjoyed the silent yet hilarious ones that were Sirius' specialty. James was rather attached to the noisy ones though (which usually attracted Lily's attention), and had required this werewolf's help in accomplishing this one.

It had been Lupin's idea to add the feathers. Not that he was proud of it. Far from it, seeing as he was Prefect and should be the utmost example of a good-doer.

Like Lily Evans. He admired her good sense of priorities and intellect. He thought she was much smarter than himself, seeing as she had both the courage and foresight to avoid contact with James and Sirius, the most infamous troublemakers Hogwarts has ever seen.

With a book in hand, Remus walked slowly past the library and towards the classrooms nearest the Slytherin Common Room, knowing James would at least have enough sense to leave the scene of the crime. Hopefully.

* * *

Lily made her way quickly down the corridors, her brisk footsteps echoing slightly. She silently wondered what the Marauders could've possibly done now. One would think they've already completed all of the tricks in the book, but no every week they had to come up with some new trick to remind the whole of Hogwarts of their presence. It was maddening.

Lily neared the Entrance Hall and off to the side, a bunch of Slytherins were emerging from a corridor that Lily knew for a fact led to the dungeons the Slytherin Common room. The Slytherins had glitter and feathers plastered onto their robes and heads. All of them had sour looks on their faces.

As they passed, Lily overheard the boy called Theodore Knott mutter angrily to his companions "...That bloody Potter and his friends. I swear, if I see them, I'll..." and he ended making angry swishing movements in the air.

Lily silently groaned. "I knew he was behind this," Lily thought, "but I was hoping not." After hesitating for only a moment, she turned sharply and went the way the Slytherins had just come from.

* * *

Remus had subtlety investigated four rooms and counting near the dungeons and Slytherin Common Room.

So far the most interesting thing he had encountered was a thirty-year-old chess set, which bellowed out war stories when he had entered, and a brittle old book on misunderstood magical creatures that he'd decisively nicked. Shaking his head, he entered a dim room, filled with desks and ancient textbooks.

"Those two have had a horrible impression on me. Honestly. Stealing books. So primal...Not right."

He shook his head once more and sat on a desk near the door, opening the book.

MEANWHILE...

James slowed his stride to a silent shuffle, hearing the oh-so distinct and familiar footsteps of his favorite girl. A goofy grin spread itself across his face, as he looked left and right in the stone corridors. Spotting an empty classroom he hurried inside it, ready to surprise Lily. Pleasantly, he hoped. He closed the door almost entirely, until it was only open a crack.

Seeing the red of Lily's hair he raised a hand his own hair, in an attempt to improve his own appearance and brought down his hand to open the door.

Prongs?" A voice muttered in amusement behind him.

"Grinning griffins!" James jumped backwards, and then forward again, hoping that Lily hadn't heard him. She had continued on.

"Bloody hell. What are you doing here, Moony?"

Remus closed his book. "Same thing you are. Trying to avoid your punishment." He paused. "Wasn't that Lily?"

"Erm. Yes."

"Aren't you going to go after her?"

"Excellent idea." James left the classroom, with a good-bye to Remus.

He strode up to Lily and stated, "My, don't you look lovely today, Evans."

Lily jumped for the second time that day. 

"You," she glared at James, annoyed that he had managed to sneak up on her once again. How was he always able to do that?

"What have you done this time? I just saw a bunch of Slytherins heading towards the Hospital Wing with bits of rubbish on them. And I know very well it wasn't a freak accident, so don't even try it." Lily added, crossing her arms.

James grinned. Ah, she knows me so well, he thought. (If guys sighed romantically, dear James would have just then.)

He tried to keep the pride out of his voice as he answered 'innocently,' "Whoa, there's been a freak accident? Hmm, I hope no one got hurt. Although if they're Slytherins..."

He coughed, sensing a familiar amount of disdain in the air, wavering off of, well, not him.

James quickly ran a hand through his disobedient hair and tried another tactic. Charm. "So...Evans. You look whistle bait pretty. Are those new shoes?"

She raised an eyebrow at the sight of him ruffling his hair. It rose even higher after he spoke. "'Whistle bait pretty?'" Lily echoed. "What have you been watching, 50's muggle movies or something?"

She didn't even bother to dignify James' attempt at a compliment with a response. "Potter, what sort of ridiculous trick has you and your friends pulled this time? If you lot aren't careful, you'll end up getting yourselves expelled. Not that I'd mind," Lily added quickly, "but in the process, you and yours will lose points for the House. And I am not okay with that."

James blinked and straightened, attempting to look manly and strong.

Okay, so the 'whistle bait" thing was a mistake. Darn you, Andromeda! James should have known not to trust Sirius' equally mischievous cousin's girlish advice. Never again!

"'My lot'? Pft. We are fine. We haven't gotten into major trouble in ages. I appreciate you lovely concern, Evans, but the most house points we've lost for Gryffindor was, let's see…" He counted on his fingers. "Maybe two hundred in the last, let's say, year. That's pretty good for a daily troublemaker. You probably wouldn't understand, you being such a goodie good and having lost like no points in the past six years, but that is half of what makes you so appealing."

"Whatever." Lily said irritated, dismissing his compliments and excuses with a wave of her hand.

"My point is that you ought to exercise some more self control as go about your day. You know, keep your wand in your robes for a whole day or something conservative-like. I don't know," Lily said, frankly getting annoyed - she was suppose to be studying! Not negotiating with a Gryffindor chaser. "Just don't bother anyone for a day." She let out a frustrated little sigh, glancing at her wristwatch.

"Look, Potter. I just want you to just go back the way you came and fix whatever it is that you did. Okay? Tonight's curfew is 9:00pm and don't forget it this time." Lily then turned on her heel and strode away, heading back to the GCR.

James cocked his head, watching his flame walk away from him for a few seconds before realizing that she was actually going. He rushed to stop her.

"Whoa, whoa, Evans." He grabbed her arm (gently and with love) to cease her retreat.

"How 'bout I start my Not-Bother-Anyone Day tomorrow? Okay? So that gives me the rest of today to entertain you. Boy, aren't you a lucky gal! So. Would you like to go down to the Great Hall and grab a snack with me?"

Lily stopped in her tracks, but only to pry James' fingers off of her upper arm.

"Potter," Lily said, a sliver of anger creeping into her voice, making it hard. "I have no interest, whatsoever, in accompanying you anywhere. Ever. Now, leave me alone and stop following me around like some lost puppy."

As if on cue, Sirius rounded the corner of the corridor behind James, a slightly anxious, but pleased look on his extremely handsome face.

"Prongs, mate, we better high-tail it out of here - Filch is just back there and-- oh. Hi, Evans,"

Sirius had finally caught sight of Lily and her growing furious expression.

"What's with the angry red flush, Evans?" Lily let out a frustrated groan, shooting both sixteen-year-olds evil glares before hotfooting it back to the Common Room.

James watched Lily's fading figure, a forlorn expression spreading across his face. The moment he couldn't see her anymore and he was sure she was out of hearing range he uttered as many curses and made up swear words his love-struck sixteen-year-old boy brain could think of.

"Bloody hell, Padfoot. I was this close. _This_ close to getting Evans to spend some time with me. And you had to just come popping up and ruin it. Brilliant."

He sulked.

Remus emerged from the empty classroom feet away and joined his two friends. He exchanged knowing looks with Sirius.

* * *

Andromeda Black sat in the Gryffindor Common Room, talking to Ted Tonks about the latest Ministry of Magic news. (Sigh. Young love.) Molly had told her that Lily had left to find the meaning of the mayhem at the Slytherin Common Room so Ann had estimated that a fed-up Lily would return shortly. She continued her conversation with Ted.

* * *

"Well, excuse me, Mr. Sensitive." Sirius said, rolling his darling grey eyes.

"I was merely 'popping in' to tell you that Filch is suspicious - he was nosing around the Slytherin portrait hole, so we better make ourselves scarce. I've an idea," said Sirius brightly, clapping his two friends around the shoulder and steering them towards the third floor corridor and to the witches' hump.

"How about a quick visit to Hogsmeade for some butterbeer, eh? It'll cheer you up Prongs," he added sweetly.

* * *

Ted smoothed the front of his robes down before answering Andromeda's inquiry about the MoM. "Yes, I think Fortescue (A/N: Um, let's say he's the Minister, even though he's really only the Minister before Fudge) could do a much better job handling relations with the Muggles if only he'd exercise a little appreciation and negotiation. Really, most of the Ministers in our lifetime seem to fear rational solutions to simple problems." Even as the words were coming out of his mouth, Ted was reprimanding himself for being so bloody boring. How come he couldn't be slick like Black or charming like Potter or even brooding like Lupin? When he was around Andromeda he always lost his head and ended up trying to futilely impress her with big words and fancy sayings.

Lily entered the Common Room, her robes fluttering around her, matched with her flaming red hair and flushed cheeks; anyone could tell she was all hot and bothered. Lily collapsed into the seat next to Ann, heaving a big sigh.

Ted quietly excused himself, sensing that this was an ideal 'girl moment.'

* * *

James was still lost in his self-pity and woe. He muttered to himself. "Why? What did I do this time to bug Evans? I didn't so much as mention Quidditch... Only touched my hair once...Only touched her once...Didn't hex anyone...so what did I do? Ah, Merlin's Beard, I am a pathetic ba--"

"I think that's a good idea, Padfoot." Remus cut in, hastily. "We shouldn't stay here, since Filch might walk by soon. A butterbeer will do us all good. Should we find Wormtail?"

* * *

Ann watched Ted go, slightly surprised and touched that he knew the opportune moment to leave. Unlike the guy in Lily's life, apparently.

She focused her attention on her friend. "Hey, Lily. Potter being a jerk, again? Here," she searched her robe pockets and extracted two Chocolate Frogs. She handed one to Lily. "Have a frog."

* * *

"Nah, let the little rat find us on his own time." Sirius said decisively, pulling out their finally completed MM. He kissed the Map and muttered the saying, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

He glanced at the map, pointing, "And lookit, he's up in the Common Room, next to the fireplace. We'd waste too much time fetching him. Besides. Have you not noticed, Moony, that we have a crisis on our hands?"

He nodded towards James. "Poor Prongs," Sirius crooned, pulling his friends into the little passageway. "Was Evans being a tad bit, er, hostile towards the wee stag?"

* * *

Lily gave Ann a fleeting smile as she unwrapped her frog. Ugh. Some grand Quidditch player was on her card. She threw it into the fire.

"Yeah, well. I dunno. He was just being himself, plain ol' annoying, troublesome Potter. Sometimes I think I shouldn't act so antagonistic towards him," Lily said pulling her legs up into her chair and against her chest. "But then my logic kicks in, and I remember that he's got a head as big as Surrey and an ego to boot."

* * *

Lupin looked at James, who seemed in no mood to respond. His eyes were glazed over and mouth slightly open, off in La-La Land.

Or Wounded World.

Maybe both.

"Well, I heard some of what Lily said to Prongs in my hiding area, Padfoot. She wasn't any more, erm, brutal than usual, but I guess this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Or the stag's back, I suppose." He guided James through the secret passageway, glancing about the corridor.

James mumbled something like, "I am _not_ wee," and ducked inside. Remus heard him fall down and groan, sadly.

"Wow. Prongs may seem high and mighty at times, but when he falls off his throne, he falls hard."

* * *

"I agree wholeheartedly." Ann stated, confidently, popping the frog in her mouth whole.

She chewed it, thoughtfully. "But you know, seeing as he's been after you for -- how long now? Five years? Yikes. I can't help but wonder if you might be, I dunno, sending my cousin's best mate, mixed signals. Guys are simple creatures, Lil. Like dogs. You have to be very straightforward with him. If he does something you don't like, you've gotta ignore him completely. Don't even tell him, 'No! Bad dog!' 'Cause dogs and men think any sort of attention is a good thing."

* * *

"Blimey, Prongs." Sirius said, sadly looking down at the moping dark-haired boy on the dirt floor. "Pull yourself together, mate. You're a right sight." He glanced at Moony, rolling his eyes.

"Look. Prongs, just let go of all of your little thoughts about Evans and hopefully we'll all be able to enjoy a nice little Marauder get-together."

When James didn't respond, save for a bit of mumbling against the floor, Sirius added roughly, "Fine, if it'll make you happy, you can go buy Evans a gift or something in Hogsmeade. All right?"

* * *

Lily snorted. "And you would know this, how, Ann? How do you know so much about guys? When was the last time you were in a relationship, hm?"

Lily gazed into the fire, her mind slipping into autopilot as she pondered what Ann had said. Had she been sending Potter mixed signals? No, certainly not. She'd always blocked his advances, and she'd never thrown him a bone. Never.

At least, she couldn't remember even if she had.

* * *

James immediately brightened. "Yes! Brilliant idea, Padfoot." He scrambled up off of the ground and jumped once, as if demonstrating his newfound cheerfulness. "A gift. Hah!"

He hugged Sirius by the shoulders and clapped Moony on the back and then bounded forward, like a deer. Moony clicked his tongue, as if commenting. 'What a dramatic stag.' He jogged after James.

"I swear James has got to lay off the happy gas." Sirius muttered before starting after his two friends.

* * *

Ann faked a look of insult. "Ow, Lily. I am hurt. How do I know so much?"

She scoffed and a mischievous glint found it's way into her eyes. "I, as I'm sure you already know, am all-knowing. You can't hide much from me. Like for instance, I knew before James knew that he adored you. Mmmhmm. Way back on the Tuesday of our second week of first year. People," she sighed, "just have the urge to confide in me. It's a gift and a curse." She stretched and threw her wrapper into the fire, listening to the intriguing sound of it crackle and sizzle. "And since you just had to ask, the last boy I was with was a Slytherin lad in fourth year. It wouldn't have worked though. He was such a git. Cheated on me with Narcissa." Ann muttered that last bit.

"Ouch." Lily said, sympathetically. "Well, why did you go out with a Slytherin, anyway, Ann? I mean, it's common knowledge that they're all lousy dating material."

* * *

Once at the end of the dark tunnel, James collided with the unhidden ladder, positioned in the obvious place, directly in front of him. He gave it a glare then hurried up the ladder with a flourish as he bumped his head on the hidden doorway. "Purple pirates, that hurt!" He muttered, as he entered the back room of Honeydukes. Lupin who climbed out after him cast him a sympathetic look.

"Honestly, Prongs. You are a bit too eager to please Lily. Keep in mind she's not even here to witness your enthusiasm. Give it a rest."

* * *

Ann shrugged. "I dunno. I was young, foolish and wanted to make my relatives proud. You know they adore Slytherins and pure bloods and all that jazz. But anyway. This is not about me, this is about you. And your mixed signals. How you gonna fix it?"

* * *

"Yes. Listen to Moony. You ought to learn how to time things. Otherwise, you're gonna overwork yourself." Sirius hauled himself up the ladder, his appreciation of James pure enthusiasm towards Lily dwindling to a speck.

"Honestly, one would think you were the dog and I was the stag. Talk about eager to please."

* * *

"I do not send out mixed signals." Lily sniffed, rather miffed at how easily Ann had manipulated her, turning the tables.

"And even if I did, how would I know? It's not like I do it purposefully. I think Potter's just seeing things that aren't there."

* * *

James faked a look of eternal disgust. "A-a-a dog? God, no! I can't imagine myself as being a slobbering, tail-wagging, pawed, drooling beas--" He cleared his throat suddenly. "Although you and Moony pull it off quite well. Right handsome canines you both make."

He started up the stairs that lead to the store section of Honeydukes. "Honestly. It's amazing...," he hooted as he climbed.

* * *

Ann smiled in a semi-motherly, semi-devious way. "Even if the poor blind boy is still seeing things that aren't there (A/N: GHOSTS!) you should help him to see the things that are there. Like...erm, well like..." She paused for a moment. "Ah, forget it. Can't blame me. I told Sirius that I'd try."

* * *

"Watch yourself deer-boy." Sirius warned, good-naturedly. "You've got two dogs on your tail, so I'd think a bit of caution is due."

They all emerged in the dark cellar of Honeydukes. "Right, then." Sirius said, rubbing his hand together. "Where do you lads want to start, then?"

* * *

"You what?" Lily cried, rising from her seat slightly, a dull flush rising to her cheeks. Was this a set-up, some sort of joke?

"My God, not you too!" Lily muttered, rubbing her hand over her face. Was everyone trying to get her to go out with Potter? It seemed so. "What happened to girl-talk? You know, where I tell you something in confidence, then you parry it and we both just enjoy useless, but relaxing conversation?"

* * *

"How about we go to Hog's Head for some butterbeer? It's chilly today." Lupin suggested, easily.

* * *

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lily. Calm down. Deep breaths, eh?" Ann demonstrated. "This is still girl-talk. You are talking to me, and I, you. See? I'm not gonna tell my cousin or James or anybody (except maybe Molly) what you've told me. Jeez. You know that."

She rolled her eyes, effortlessly. "You are so dramatic sometimes, Lil."

* * *

"I think it'd be better if we sneak into The Three Broomsticks. They've got better butterbeer and the sanitation is a lot better. Plus," Sirius said, ushering them towards the cellar stairs, "shifty people live near the Hog's Head and we want to be back soon. So Prongs here can present his lovely lady her gift. Before he forgets it, that is, and it gets lost in his mess of a trunk."

* * *

Lily settled back in her seat, feeling quite the fool. "I'm only dramatic because of my genes. It's the red hair. You know." Lily blew at a few strands of red hair that had drifted across her eyesight. "Sorry."

* * *

"Everything in good time, Padfoot." James replied, happily, walking towards the Three Broomstick's optimistic purple sign. Sirius and Remus headed after him. "Everything in time."

* * *

A/N: Well? You smarties didn't find it too confusing, did ya? Basically those breaks are where the characters and scene change. Like the Maurader scene and the Lily/Andromeda scene at the GCR.

Oh, and before we forget:

Alda was James, Dumbledore, Remus, and Andromeda.

I was the Slytherins, Sirius, and Lily (and crowd in GCR, including Arthut, Peter, Ted, etc.).

Credit given where credit due.

Review if you love us, and want us to continue.

Arda & Alda


	2. Notes

_Chapter 2: **Notes**_

A/N: Soooo...here's Chapter Two of our supposed one-shot. It's yet another short roleplay between my sister (pename: Alda Rethe) and I. We're probably gonna have only one more chapter following this one...

Again, I play Lily Evans and Alda is James Potter. Jamesy boy's part is in bold, while Lily's is normal. They are passing notes to each other in the Hogwarts library, fyi.

* * *

**Is it Twain? Or Twains?**

**Mark Twain?**

**Or Mark Twains?**

**I think it is Twains.**

**Please enlighten me.**

**(You BETTER not ignore me, Lily. Um. Please?)**

**James**

Oh. It's you.

It's Twain. No 's'.

And I've already read and reread the complete Muggle Studies chapter. Apparently you haven't. As of now I am ignoring you.

Don't pass me any more notes. And don't call me Lily. I'm in far too rotten a mood to be nice to you. Plus, it's empowering.

Evans

**So is it Twain?**

**Whatever MISS Evans. You spelt impowering wrong, MISS Evans.**

**Well, maybe you didn't, but I bet MISS Evans didn't win the MISS USA pageant.**

**MISTER Potter**

Yes, it is Twain, you git.

Question: Why would I be in a muggle beauty pageant, hm?

Evans

**Thank you, non-git.**

**Answer: Because your pretty.**

**Second answer: I think a better question would be: 'Why would you be in an _American_ muggle beauty pageant? 'Cause I don't have an answer to that.**

**Potter (oh, we're on last name relationships, huh? Nice.)**

Whatever.

Stop your nit picking.

It's annoying and not at all becoming.

Evans (Indeed, it seems we are.)

**At least I don't have lice.**

**Unlike SOMEONE I could mention.**

**Um. Not you, Evans.**

**Potter (Well, FINE.)**

It's a metaphor. It wasn't meant as a direct accusation.

Who has lice?

Evans (Gossip isn't nice, either.)

**Uhhh... nobody you know. Or would like to know on a personal level, anyway.**

**That rules out loads of people already, huh?**

**Potter (I know, gossip is absolutely dreadful but I speak true fact, dear.)**

Oh.

You know, that was real smooth, Potter. Suggest some false thing of interest just to keep me here, wasting my time.

So nice of you. Really.

Evans (**_HERE_**)

**Hey. I am not a liar. I speak only truths, lady! Honest to Goddy.**

**Glad you enjoyed it though.**

**Potter (HEY. Where'd your little response go? I WANT a little response here! It's supposed to be right _HERE_. Where'd it go?)**

Jeez, meticulous much?

Evans (You, Potter, are a control freak. Happy?)

**Meticulous. Meticulous? METICULOUS!**

**God. What does that even mean?**

**Potter (So what if I'm a control freakazoid. Letters make me happy. I'm happy right now.)**

Meticulous: fussy, detailed.

And that is only the simple definition, purely for your benefit.

Evans (Must I do this? I don't care if it makes you happy. It makes me irritated.)

**Sure. Meticulous means fussy and detailed.**

**I bet you're lying. Just like you lie when you say, "No, Potter I do not wanna go out with you and never will." Just like how you lie when you say, "GOD, Potter! I HATE you!"**

**Tut. Hate is such a strong word, Evans.**

**In other words, meticulous must mean something else.**

**Potter (Aw, you're so nice. You never had to do this to begin with yet you obliged. So sweet.)**

…….

Evans

**Oh. That's a lovely response. Seriously. I'll treasure it forever.**

**Potter**

Is that sarcasm I detect?

Evans

**Um.**

**No.**

**Pfft. Me? James Potter? And sarcasm?**

**Hah!**

**Potter (hi, evans)**

Indeed.

Well, if you don't believe me about the definition of 'meticulous,' just look it up. It's in almost every dictionary. You'd have known that if you'd even bothered to pick up a dictionary just once in your life.

Evans (Old habits die hard?)

**Well. I'm not really a dictionary-type of guy. That's more so Lupin. But if you're looking for a Quidditch expert, I'm your man.**

**Potter (Yup. Thanks for understanding.)**

Well. Good for you and Lupin.

You don't have to be a dictionary-type of guy to look up a single measly word. And Quidditch is all good and well in the real world, but it has no place in school life. It merely serves to turn houses against one another, creating conflict that isn't needed.

Evans (You're lucky I'm more understanding than YOU are.)

**... I still like Quidditch. It's fun.**

**Not to say that your argument wasn't convincing. I'm sure Peter'd be convinced.**

**Potter (What's that supposed to mean?)**

That is such an insult.

It clearly indicates that my argument was weak enough to sway Pettigrew. Fickle Pettigrew who'd believe anything a fortune cookie said.

Evans (It means what is means. Apparently, though, it doesn't mean what you think it means.)

**It's not an insult, Evans. Peter adores you. Not as much as I do though.**

**He respects your opinions and therefore agrees with them.**

**Hey, that muggle fortune cookie was right. His mother did break her back when he stepped on that sidewalk crack.**

**Potter (It means you hate me, don't it?)**

As you like it.

Evans (Not necessarily. It means, you are fortunate that I am more understanding than you are. It means I forgive others easier than you do. It means that I exercise some self control and do not spout hexes and jinxes at everyone as I walk down a corridor!)

**As I like it? Fine. I do, then. I like it very much.**

**Potter (We've been over this, Evans. I only get Slytherins who can't mind their own bloody business. They usually have it comin' when I jinx 'em. So... I've still got a chance, eh?)**

No, you do not.

Evans

* * *

A/N: Erm. I don't mean to beg, but the review outcome was so poor for our first chapter! We had only _one_review. (Thank you so much for that Mrs.Pookie!) 

Still. The people in the Mediator category seem so much nicer... So prove me wrong and kindlyreview!


	3. Lists

Chapter 3: Lists

Ah, disapointment rears it's ugly head once again. Only one more review, from the sweet and anonymonous Bambi.

But alas, my sister and I shall bravely continue our roleplaying. Again, I am Lily, she is James.

* * *

**... Would it be self destructive of me to ask why I don't have a chance?**

**Potter (Happy Christmas.)**

Yes, it would be suicidal to ask why.

So. Don't.

Evans (Not Christmas.)

**Okay then. I won't ask. But would it be totally git-tastic of me to demand an answer?**

**I. Demand.**

**Potter (So, then Happy Easter. Here's a chocolate bunny.)**

You can demand all you want. But it won't do you any good.

Evans (Not Easter, nor April Fool's, so don't try.)

**May I beg then?**

**Wouldn't you just love to see me grovel?**

**Potter (Fine. Merry Halloween, Evans.)**

Actually, I wouldn't mine seeing you beg.

Evans (It's the middle of May. No holidays in sight.)

**Yeah. I knew you couldn't resist me.**

**Potter (What about Memorial Day?)**

What were we arguing about? Refresh my memory.

Evans (Memorial Day is towards the end of May. And why might you want to remember a muggle, American holiday?)

**My chances with you, L.E. How can you not remember? It's quite an important event in the history of Hogwarts. Mmmhmm.**

**So...Do I have a chance with you? And please answer me this time.**

**Potter (Knowledge is good. You of all people should know that. Gosh.)**

Again, no you do not have a chance with me, LE, as you put it.

Evans (That made no sense, JP, you do realize that, don't you?)

**Okay. I see you do not want to answer that truthfully.**

**So, I'll just ask you, for purely scientific purposes, to rate the attractiveness and chances (in your opinion) of the following on a scale of 1-10:**

**Me, James Potter  
-Me mate, Sirius Black  
-Me other mate, Remus Lupin  
-Me other other mate, Peter Pettigrew  
-Me not so mate, Lucius Malfoy  
-And me worst enemy, Sniveillius**

**You should have fun with this, eh?**

**Scientific purposes, of course.**

**Potter (It made perfect sense to me. And I've been hit in the head with a bludger a few times, so it should be crystal clear to you.)**

I refuse to participate in such a futile activity. It is an immature act, and I'm sure my responding to that list will only give you ideas. Incorrect ideas, at that.

Evans (I don't think you were hit in the head with a bludger only a few times. You must've rolled off the changing table when you were an infant or something more drastic-like.)

**Uhh, no it won't. I, madam, am a scientist, as muggles call it. A scientist! We do not come up with incorrect ideas. They are the correct ones!**

**Which is beside the point. Anyway. C'mon, Evans. It'll be fuuuunnnnn. I'll even compete a list of yours, so it's fair.**

**Potter (Harsh, Evans. So harsh. I'm sure nothing so brutal happened in your childhood, because you are perfect. Well, except for your extreme judge of character, but that's not permanent.)**

Fine. I'll play along. But I'll have you know that the answers I put here are subject to change at any and ever whim of mine.

Got it?

sigh-

You: -10  
Your mate: -5  
Your other mate: 5 (at least he respects women)  
Your other other mate: n/a (because it is non-existent)  
Your not so mate: 0  
Your worst enemy: 0

As far as whether these scores are concerning attractiveness or 'chances,' I'll let you decide.

Evans (I don't have an extreme judge of character. But if I do, it will forever be programmed this way against you.)

**Sniff. At least now I know where I stand. In front of Wormtail, but behind Padfoot. Nice. Moony has betrayed us, attractiveness and chance-wise. We shun him.**

**But, wait. HEY. Malfoy and Snape get a zippy zero while me and two of my mates get integers?**

**This must be a cruel mistake on your part.**

**Potter (You only say that because you are an EJC. Extreme judge of character. 'Tis a grievous disease. You should get yourself looked at, you should.)**

Actually, you are behind both 'Wormtail' and 'Padfoot,' as you called your mates. In fact, I believe you are on the lowest end of the list.

Pity.

Evans (Ah, and you, sir, might want to get your eyes checked. Again. Clearly, your glasses aren't serving their purpose.)

**Not.**

**Wormtail has an n/a, which means he's like a -100, or something. At least I'm not an n/a. I have a -10 attractiveness, which is something, I suppose. I am grateful for not being 'not available' (n/a).**

**But I agree, yes, it is horribly depressing that I have sank so low in your eyes. What can I do to raise myself up?**

**Potter (Ouch. I see perfectly fine, thankyouverymuch.)**

Ah, I'm afraid you can do nothing to raise my opinion of you.

Again. Pity.

Now, make a list for me, would you?

Evans

**Why would you want a list, Evans? I thought you loathed every hair on my body.**

**Is someone curious?**

**Potter**

Ew.

That's some pretty odd phrasing on your part, isn't it Potter?

You might want to rewrite that. I mean, I most certainly want you to.

Evans

**Wha? I'm pretty sure I phrased that right. Or should I ask Remus and Sirius? I'm sure they'd just love to know as well.**

**Potter**

Really?

Then why don't you go and ask your mates?

Please, don't do me any favors by staying here.

Evans

**...Um. You sure?**

**Won't you be embarrassed?**

**Potter**

It hardly matters if I'm embarrassed or not, now does it?

Evans

**...Erm. Yeah, it does.**

**I lied anyway. I'm not going to ask Sirius or Remus. Hahaha. Tricked you.**

**About that list...**

**Potter**

Am I mistaken or do you seem overly proud of yourself for being an accomplished liar?

Yes. The list. The one I requested of you to complete.

Evans

**Yeah. About that. You want a list of the person you claim to absolutely loathe on who he finds attractive, etc. because...?**

**Potter**

Because I'm curious, all right?

Besides, you started this ridiculous exchange, so it's the least you could do to repay me for the precious time I've spent (or rather, wasted) replying.

Do you need any more explanations?

Evans

**Touché.**

**Okay...out of ten-**

**Lily (the future Mrs. James Potter) Evans: 113  
Andromeda Black: 5  
Molly Last-Name-Forgotten: 3  
Alice Last-Name-Slipped-Mind: 2  
Narcissa Evilhead: -82  
Bellatrix TartPimple: -113**

**Potter**

Well, that sure puts things into perspective.

My thanks.

And, now I'm off.

Evans

**WHAT?**

**That's it?**

**You're really gone?**

**Potter**

((A few minutes later...))

**Evans?**

**Oh, Evans?**

**Feel empowered enough yet?**

**Where art thou flowering blossom?**

**Psssst. Lily? Lily? You there, Evans? I miiiisssss you.**

**Is this about the list? You know I was kidding, right? You're really like a million plus one on the list while all the other girls are in the negatives.**

**Fine. I'll leave you alone then. See you in Transfiguration.**

**Potter**

* * *

And that's the end of that. 

Be nice and review!


End file.
